17 articles about babyloss

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2022 – Reflections from Day 1

October 9, 2022

Today is the first day of #babylossawarenessweek2022 and this is how it looks for us. Planned antenatal steroid treatment prior to our little girl being born by elective c-section later this week. The steroids will help her to breathe as her lungs will be less developed at 37 weeks. I have to be in hospital for monitoring as it can affect blood sugar levels and the gestational diabetes. Feeling good though so far – grateful we can do something preventative to help her ?

What you don’t see in this photo though, behind the smile and the growing baby, is the woman I’ve become through #babyloss. I thought I’d post this week with reflections as we approach the day we’ve longed for so desperately *and* tenderly (both can exist together – remember the “&”…)

Today’s reflections:

? Baby “loss”

I’m actually choosing nowadays to avoid the term “loss” because it sounds careless and less impactful than the reality that our little boy, our first born, died two years ago. It’s uncomfortable to hear, but important to acknowledge the trauma that occurs when a baby/child dies (at any gestation/age). I’m hoping to find the courage to use the language of death in a way that makes it clear that it’s not just “one of those things” and equally to make the whole idea of life & death less scary & unspeakable for the next generation.

? Thinking of George

I’ve been thinking about transforming the conversation of “is this your first?” or “is she an only child?”. I’d love our daughter to tell people with confidence that she has an older brother. I play out people asking her “so where is he today?”…tricky, especially as we personally don’t believe in heaven (she’ll make her own mind up though). I’d love her to say “he used to live in mummy, but now he lives in our hearts and on the wind”. I want to make it tangible and reassuring for her, without telling her something which feels like a fairytale. A tricky journey which will be ongoing, but I’ve got some amazing role models who have managed exactly that so I’m led by them and my thoughtful husband who cares just as much about this as I do.

? Who is this week for?

#babylossawarenessweek isn’t really for parents whose babies have died. It’s for everyone else – the professionals who aren’t equipped with the language that acknowledges and soothes; the people who think it could never happen to them; the friends and family who want to support but don’t know how/what to say. We can gently transform this, in a kind and nurturing way, but it must be done with language, open dialogue and in a way that respects everyone. Some people feel ok to speak up this week, and represent this journey – we do that on behalf of ourselves and those who don’t feel they can.

Back to the ultimate luxury of the amazing NHS now…our hospital, the staff and the atmosphere here is so supportive today yet we pay so little for it through our taxes. James and I have spent the morning in awe of the clinical and pastoral care we’re receiving, the environment here and the space to process the thoughts and emotions of a BIG week.

Thanks for following our journey, being there for us and please don’t be afraid to speak about #babyloss with vulnerability and to truly listen to those who have experienced it. Not sure what to say? Message me and I’m happy to chat it through anytime (but maybe not on csection day ??)

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17 articles about babyloss

The comfort of a bear…

January 25, 2021

This is Ted – one of a pair of teddies given to us in the hospital – one for George, and one for us. Ted’s brother stayed with George – in his crib at the hospital, and has been cremated with George. I guess like a guardian…

Matching bears, keeping everyone in our family safe and comforted – donated from Aching Arms, one of the charities we’d like to support with our fundraising. Ted and his brother, have been significant in our journey of grief and healing.

I’d ask you to reflect back to your childhood, or consider your babies/toddlers, and how important a cuddle from a teddy bear is for comfort and soothing. ‘Ted’ has been exactly that for us.

He came home, with one of George’s blankets, and has been there for cuddles (yes, I’m 39 and cuddle a teddy bear sometimes – try it, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed!) and to remind us that his ‘brother’ is looking after George.

In many ways, Ted almost represents George. Cuddling a bear instead of your baby is no comparison, but it’s really the only option we have. And Ted has received many many cuddles…he’s a hero in our house – and we often joke that he’s going to need his fur, his stuffing, his arms, and his legs replacing eventually…until really he’s a different bear (Trigger’s broom?)

I remember waking up in the middle of the night, in hospital, and looking at Ted sitting there (exactly as he is in the first picture above) and telling him “You’ve got a big job on your hands – looking after us”. He was put up on a pedestal, and hasn’t let us down yet.

For comparison, here’s some pictures of how he looks now – I think you’ll see he’s been held tight! Ted has his own personality, often going on his own little adventures (when we can’t find him), or looking particularly proud of himself/grumpy (usually in line with how we feel). Ted came away with us when we went camping last July, our first time away since George was born, and a comforting reminder that George was with us on our travels in Ovii.

Unsurprising then that we’d like to support Aching Arms to send more bears out to bereaved parents.

Aching Arms says the benefits of donating a bear to bereaved parents are (https://achingarms.co.uk/working-with-hospitals-new/):

You are acknowledging the life of their baby and recognising the significance of their loss in a society that prefers not to talk about it
You know parents have left with valuable information on where to get immediate help
You are providing a comforter that can be held by the mother (and father) in times of distress

So far, they’ve donated 15,000 bears to hospitals around the UK.

It’s very sad that so many bears are needed, and this doesn’t even come close to the number of babies lost during pregnancy and birth. Tommy’s website demonstrates the stats for 2018 – these numbers are PER DAY in 2018.

We hope our fundraising can support more parents to be comforted by the hand of friendship from Aching Arms, and cuddles & guardianship from their own bears.

In future, I’ll introduce you to Buns, Ted’s mate. But Ted gets the limelight for now 🙂